Dear Sirius
by sturgis podmore
Summary: Sirius starts an advice column at Hogwarts. Please rr!
1. Default Chapter

Author's note:  
  
I tried to check beforehand to see if anyone else had a fic like this, but I didn't see any. If I somehow missed you, go ahead and contact me.  
  
I own nothing.  
  
It was another frigid day during the winter holidays at Hogwarts. All four marauders and Lily Evans were sitting in the Gryffindor common room by themselves, as they were the only Gryffindors staying over the holidays.  
  
To pass the time, Lily had taken a Muggle newspaper that had been sent to her from her parents and was trying to read it. However, this was difficult because the marauders had each taken sections of the paper and were reading, frequently snorting with laughter at things such as Muggle political issues, comics, and advertisements.  
  
"Look at this!" James exclaimed. "For Sale: Telephone, just like new! Very cheap. Call 345-9876 for more information. Why would you want to buy a used fellytone?!" James dissolved into hopeless giggles with Remus and Peter.  
  
"Can you believe that Padfoot?" James asked Sirius, but got no answer.  
  
"Padfoot? What are you reading?"  
  
"I'm not sure," Sirius answered. "From what I can tell, it's something where Muggles write in their problems to some other Muggle, who tells them what to do."  
  
"Why can't they just figure it out themselves?" Peter asked blatantly.  
  
James, Remus, and Lily just rolled their eyes and turned back to Sirius.  
  
"You guys," Sirius said. "I could do this. I mean, I think I could be good at this type of thing, and--"  
  
Sirius was forced to stop because of a loud snort coming from James.  
  
"You!" he said. "Give advice? To other people?"  
  
"He does have a point, Sirius," added Lily. "Giving advice isn't as easy as it may seem. You really have to think about the possible outcome of a situation, you can't just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind."  
  
"I can too do it," replied Sirius stubbornly.  
  
"Sirius," Remus tried, "even if you could do an advice column, how would you publish it? I seriously doubt the Daily Prophet would publish, well, you."  
  
"I know," said James, finally rising from his hysterics. "Isn't there a school paper? You know that only the Ravenclaws read and everyone uses for spit wads and paper airplanes?"  
  
"It's called the Hogwarts Times, thank you very much," said Remus heatedly. "And I believe they are looking for a new column."  
  
"Wicked!" Sirius yelled excitedly. "I'll be back when I have an advice column," he yelled on his way through the portrait hole.  
"I feel sorry for Hogwarts," said Lily.  
  
"I feel sorry for Padfoot if he doesn't get the column. Then I'll feel sorry for Hogwarts," James added slyly.  
  
"When do you think we'll find out if he gets the column?" asked Peter.  
  
"Well, firstly, Padfoot has to find out where to go to ask," said Remus as the portrait hole opened, revealing a miffed looking Sirius.  
  
"Where's the bloody editor at?" Sirius asked Remus.  
  
"Go down to the second corridor, across from the staff room, third door on the left. You can't miss it," Remus replied.  
  
"Thanks," said Sirius as he turned to leave yet again.  
  
Author's note:  
  
Well, it wasn't supposed to be a real "Sirius" fic, but oh well. Stay tuned next time to see if Sirius gets an advice column or not. *Dramatic music* Dun dun dun! If you have any suggestions for Hogwarts student problems, (should Sirius get a column) go ahead and tell me. Oh. And I know the fellytone thing is pretty lame, but I couldn't think of anything else. Besides, fellytone is a cool word. Hope you enjoyed!  
  
Sturgis Podmore 


	2. Chapter 2

Here's chapter two, I hop you enjoy. Please read and review!  
  
I own nothing.  
  
***  
  
The wizard's chess game between James and Remus ended prematurely as the portrait hole opened once more. Sirius entered with a somber expression.  
  
"Did you get it?" Peter asked before the others.  
  
Sirius's grave face immediately broke into a huge grin.  
  
"Of course I did! What did you expect?" He asked.  
  
The reaction to this bit of news varied greatly among the others. Remus smiled, as Lily hid hers, Peter applauded politely (a/n LOVE that part!), while James slipped to the floor in more hysterics.  
  
"What?" Sirius asked James, trying unsuccessfully to look offended.  
  
"I-just-can't believe-they gave-YOU-a column!" he burst out in between fits of laughter.  
  
"James," Lily warned.  
  
"I mean," James tried again, rising from his laughter. "Good job mate."  
  
"Thanks," said Sirius. "Now, how do I start off with my new column?"  
  
"Well," Remus said, finally joining the conversation. " I suppose your first column could be sort of an ad, telling students of your services. Then, once you start getting letter, you just answer them in the column."  
  
"Wicked!" exclaimed Sirius. "I'll get started.  
  
"At least that'll keep him quiet for a while," Lily whispered to the other four.  
  
**  
"How does this sound?" Sirius asked his friends a while later.  
  
" Ask Sirius: An advice column written by Sirius Black. Owl him with your problems, and he'll give you some "Sirius" advice."  
  
"It's fine," Lily answered, while shooting James a warning glare.  
  
"It's very nice, Sirius," Peter added earnestly. "I suppose I should get this back to Sally, the editor," Sirius said as an afterthought.  
  
"Mallory," Remus corrected.  
  
"Whatever. See you soon," Sirius called over his shoulder as he left the common room once again.  
  
"I wonder what he's getting himself into," Remus said thoughtfully as the portrait hole closed after Sirius's retreating back.  
  
***  
  
What did you think? Let me know! Please read and review. If you have an idea for a student's problem, let me know!  
  
Sturgis Podmore 


	3. Author's Note

Author's note: Sorry I haven't been able to update for some time now. Unfortunately, I probably won't be able to update until school gets out (June 11). Thanks to all of you that have reviewed!  
  
Sturgis Podmore 


	4. chapter 4

**_I own nothing, except last week's edition of the Hogwarts Times_**

"Hey Lily, what's up?" Asked James as he sat at the Gryffindor table with Sirius, Remus, and Peter for breakfast the next morning.  
  
"Not much, but why are you guys so late getting here this morning? The mail should be arriving soon," answered Lily.  
  
"Why don't you ask Padfoot?" said Remus with a glare.  
  
"How was I supposed to know what a mimbulus mimbletonia does when you poke it?" replied Sirius indignantly.  
  
"Perhaps you could try paying attention in Herbology for once!" Remus retorted.  
  
Sirius was saved from replying by a letter that had just fallen onto his toast.  
  
"Would you look at that!" said Sirius as he opened the letter, "My first question!"  
  
Suddenly, Sirius' face turned ashen and he dropped the letter. "What does it say?" asked Lily. Sirius picked up the parchment and handed it across the table.  
  
Lily gasped and laid the letter on the table so the others could read it:  
  
Dear Sirius,  
  
I have a crush on Severus Snape, how do I get him to notice me and tell him my feelings? Appreciate your help.  
  
From,  
  
Some-girl-from-Slytherin  
  
"A girl actually likes Snape?!" Burst out James, as the others were too much in shock to say anything. "The world is coming to an end!"  
  
"But even worse than someone actually liking Snivellus," said Sirius, finally coming out of his stupor, "how in the name of Merlin am I supposed to reply to this?!"  
  
"Have fun mate," said James, breaking into hysterics.  
  
"We did warn you about this," Remus broke in. "You knew what you were getting in to. Or, at least you should have known."  
  
"I know, alright?" Sirius retorted. "I just wasn't expecting something like this to happen," he said, beckoning at the letter. "This is going to be so much fun..."

**_Yeah, it's not great, but it's a chapter right? I probably won't be able to update again till the middle of June though. Thanks to Queen of the Sacred Flames for the letter idea._**

**_Read and review!_**


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